Decisions
by Izumi's Apprentice
Summary: It always comes down to decisions, doesn't it? What to do and not to do. But how do we decide which are the right or wrong decisions? She never thought she would be in this position but here she was and she made the wrong decision.


Author's Notes: Thanks to DameM for writing "His Mother, His Lieutenant", hence putting this theory in my head, making me want to write this story. There are some suggestive and/or mature scenes, but nothing rated over PG-13, I believe. If there is, please tell me and I will change it.

Dictionary:

Shinigami- soul reaper/god of death

Taicho- captain

Fukutaicho- vice captain

san and chan- honorifics for names

Hai- yes

Arigatou- thank you

Sake- Japanese alcohol

Shunpo- flash step

Kidou- magic or spells

Riatsu- spiritual pressure

Hakama- clothing

Rukongai- basically the slums of Soul Society

Seireitei- where all of the Noble Families and Shingami reside

Decisions

She was scared. No, she was more than scared. Downright terrified to her bones. She had no idea what would happen when her comrades, no her captain, or worse Captain Commander Yamamoto found out. Were there rules set in place to avoid situations like these? Would she be merely reprimanded or executed? In the state of mind she was in, it wasn't surprising that her thoughts were extremist. She was certainly worried. She wanted to protect him or her and wanted to care for them, but...she doubted it would be allowed. She sighed shifting uneasily on the less-than-comfortable table.

"Matsumoto-san?"

Her eyes opened and focused on the petite woman who had become her confidant once she suspected something unusual was going on. "Hai?" she responded.

"Are you going to be okay?"

"I think so..." she trailed off, eyes downcast still processing her emotions and eventual course of action.

Her friend watched carefully wanting to ask the dreaded questions that came to mind, but in respect to the surprised Shinigami, kept silent.

Rangiku's thoughts ran through all of her problems and consequently the questions her heart begged to ask. Soon, she was finally able to decide which was the most pertinent question. Not to mention the one her fellow swords-woman would be most capable of answering. "What if I told you he was a...fukutaicho?" Rangiku dare not reveal more than what she had said, but wouldn't be surprised if the other knew already.

"Well.." she began, two fingers coming to push the glasses on her nose further up to rest of the bridge of her face. "There are no rules concerning inter-Shinigami relations, so I doubt that would be of any consequence unless you're referring to your own fukutaicho?"

"No," she said easily, both women knowing of the absurdity of her being with her squad's vice-captain. It simply brought shivers to the two of them. "Nanao-san, you promise not to-"

"Yes, I won't tell anyone about you're condition. In fact I'm respecting that request by not uttering that word here," the woman replied calmly.

Rangiku sighed, glad she had such a great friend to run interference for her if need be. "You mean despite the fact you've put a strong kidou barrier around this room?" she asked as pure amusement and even let out a small chuckle before running her hands through her strawberry blonde hair.

Nanao nodded both grateful and concerned at the same time. Cautiously she approached the question poised on her lips since finding out the verdict. "What are you going to do?"

The rattled woman stayed silent, knowing the question would have come up at one point or another. Her painted lips opened, "I only know that I'm going to have him or her. But after that I don't know. I just know I'm not killing them before they've gotten the chance to live."

Nanao nodded her head solemnly, wondering if that was truly the best course of action. If Matsumoto aborted the child and held off in her physical for as long as possible they had a better chance of covering this up. But if she went through with the pregnancy they would have to figure out some kind of plot when she began to show and eventually have the baby. Not to mention there would be undeniable proof that her friend had given birth at one point in her life.

The woman sighed, knowing that Rangiku obviously wanted to give life to the child at the very least so she reached out and placed a reassuring hand on her friend's shoulder. "It will all work out," she said.

The beautiful woman looked up and smiled albeit woefully. "Thanks, Nanao-san," she replied, almost tearing up now. Before the girls knew it, arms were wrapped around the smaller of the two and sounds of crying filled the hard surfaced room.

I-I

She was safe now. Safely tucked away in Rukongai with a woman whom she had once known before joining and becoming a Shinigami. A woman who filled the hole of mother for many children in her time. They had spoken and apparently that role had moved a generation up to grandmother. As per her growing habit as of late, the woman was sprawled back on some pillows, the shades drawn so only pinpoints of light filtered through to rest on her blonde hair, orange shades in those tresses being made known. Her left hand was tangled in her hair behind her head and the other hand was resting on the huge baby bump she sported beneath the oversized hakama.

"Rangiku-chan?" she turned her head to see the woman at the door with an armload of something. "You're up. How are you feeling today?"

The Shingami thought about this for a few moments, mouth set in a slight pout. As she contemplated the question, her "mother" walked into the room, placed the goods down and and come to kneel by Rangiku. "Fine. Just...fine," was the reply. There was no emotion in her words so she didn't sound sad or happy or ill, but the older woman still wanted to know how her charge was feeling. Her hand came to rest on the pregnant woman's right hand which had been methodically rubbing her stomach since her entrance.

"Rangiku-chan."

"Yes, Mother?"

"Won't you reconsider keeping the baby/"

"No, I made up my mind months ago. I believe it would be too risky raising him in Seireitei. Both because I'm uncertain of how my being pregnant AND raising a son would affect my job and life. And...I've been having a funny feeling in the Gotei 13 lately. A friend of mine warned me to tread carefully around the higher ranking Shingami," she explained trying not to think much about that last encounter. It had been rough on her because he had asked to speak with her, she had to wait longer than she wanted, just like always, and so she was agitated once he did show up. He proceeded to treat her to lunch, sake, and friendly advice, but she still had been upset with him and left shortly after eating, calling him a "stuck up bastard who thought he could call on her like some common whore and she would always comply."

"Well then," came Mother's voice from a short distance away. Rangiku looked over to see tea being made and she smiled briefly before sitting up straight. "Will you tell me about the father?"

She thought about it momentarily but decided she might as well. They didn't have much else to talk about and up until this point in her pregnancy all they had conversed on was the younger woman's life in the Seireitei. She had been thankful that when she first came to Rukongai after a few weeks of pestering Mother had dropped the subject about the father. She knew she would fudge the truth only a little if need be.

"We first met when I needed help the most. The only person willing to help a brat like me. He and I then grew closer and assisted each other, him feeling the need to protect me. Which I suppose I needed at the time due to my appearance causing trouble for me, but it did get annoying sometimes. We became very close but only when we were official Shinigami did we pursue a romantic relationship. I mean, there was always that sort of affection there and little "romantic things" we did, but..." She trailed off letting out a sigh in remembrance.

"We kissed and...brought our relationship to another level," Rangiku smiled at the recalled sensations of being romantic with the man, their relationship akin to a girlfriend and boyfriend. "Arigatou," she said accepting the steaming cup of tea from the older woman.

"Sounds almost like a fairy tale," Mother chuckled, almost seeming to cackle due to the lack of teeth in her mouth and the happiness she felt.

"It certainly felt like a dream," The Shingami admitted quietly, her breath floating over the hot liquid to cool it down before taking a tentative sip, grinning when she found it to her liking.

Mother smirked at the obvious approval, having had a good feeling the girl would like the tea, especially since it was the same kind she gave to help with Rangiku's morning sickness. "But you were happy with him?" she questioned, having successfully read the look on her charge's face.

Rangiku sighed deeply and regrettably nodded her head, ringlets of blonde falling over her shoulders.

"Do you love him?"

Her blue eyes shot open as she never thought of their relationship as such a deep romantic one. Never describing it as love. And yet, here she was with such a human expression of shock and realization on her face. There was no doubt in her heart that she felt that strongly about her son's father but should she...?

"You needn't answer, Rangiku-chan," Mother said smiling when their eyes—one pair astonished, the other pair sage-like—met.

The strawberry blonde sighed, glancing at the pillows beneath her. "Arigatou, mom," she said, relief flooding her aching body.

I-I

Pain. Pain was nothing. That's what she had thought. Or rather what she had been taught and grown accustomed to. The pain she was in absolutely had to be unlawful and surprisingly she was alive. She had once been told a saying and before these past moments she thought of sweetly. A very nice saying that went like this: "When a mother gives birth she puts her life on the line and when the baby is born everyone around it is blessed." Boy was that a lot of bull! Okay, well not really since she did in fact feel like dying, but being blessed...? Plah! Not to mention she wanted to murder that fox for putting her in this situation.

"Come on, Matsumoto-san, you can do it," came a seemingly faraway and foggy voice.

"Just hang in there, Rangiku-chan," an older voice piercing her flustered mind, making her concentrate for a couple more minutes before passing out.

It was a few hours later that the woman regained consciousness. She had trouble gathering her bearings but soon remembered why she was there. It was then she realized that it seemed quiet; too quite. Before she blacked out, it seemed as through the world had been spinning out of control and now it was either the eye of the storm or the bloody and disastrous aftermath. Which, she was unable to discern so she concentrated on rubbing the dust particles built up in the corners of her eyes. Not to mention trying to find someone in the room and her son.

She had known she was having a boy many months before this day—before his birthday—so she had called her unborn child a boy since then. The woman wasn't certain if knowing the gender was a bad thing or not. Whether she was more attached to the little bugger because of that knowledge and would have a harder time leaving or if it worked to her advantage. The only way she could surmise it being a good thing is if she decided to search him out in the future and be a true mother. She didn't want to think about that, but considering the predicted lifespan of average Shinigami, that possibility was more than likely to occur.

Though her body was aching—arms holding herself up, legs spread, lungs exhausted, and stomach oddly lacking—the woman attempted to push herself up against the pillows near the wall. Apparently she had either been brought and gave birth there with the support of the wall or she was carried over after. Whichever it was, the blonde was grateful for the help. She was just about to call out for Mother or Nanao when she saw a small collection of pillows and blankets in the middle of the room.

The reason it grabbed her attention was because there was obvious movement. It had to be...No! She didn't dare approach the newborn and cuddle or even see his face, despite the want she felt. However, she relented to staring at the movement while rubbing the top of her thigh to work out the muscle pain present.

A gasp fell from her lips both effortlessly and horrifying as the baby became visible and appeared to be losing its balance in the make shift bed. Immediately and without thinking about it, the mother flash stepped to the middle of the room and caught the boy. They stared into each other's eyes for the first time. Mother and son were silent as they scrutinized each other. Neither noticed the entrance of the two women.

"Matsumoto-san! You're finally awake!" Nanao cried out but with a level tone so as not to frighten the baby.

"You shouldn't exert yourself, Rangiku-chan," the old woman said, fully recognizing what she had done. In such a small building as the one they resided in, it was difficult not to feel the change in air pressure of such an instinctual, and hence fast, shunpo.

"He was going to fall," was the only reply, said blankly due to how bewildering the sight of her son had made her. He had pretty greenish-blue colored eyes and though he didn't show any hair yet so she couldn't tell who he took after, it was visible that his face held the same sharp contours of her lover's. The way they were staring at each other implied to her that he recognized her and certainly had a curious mind. The former wouldn't surprise her much, not that the boy could tell that because of the enlarged breasts her eyes couldn't mistake while gazing down at her baby.

Nanao and Mother had slowly approached the pair before kneeling down, the other Shinigami resting a hand on her friend's back. "Just take it easy, Matsumoto-san," she said softly, almost chiding due to her nature.

"Mm-hm," she responded, slowing bringing the child up from her lap, extra careful in handling him to rest against her chest. The older woman there watched, hoping her "daughter" wasn't having seconds thoughts about this whole ordeal.

After staring at each for a while longer, kissing the baby's forehead, and then watching as he fell asleep, Rangiku placed him amongst the pillows and blankets again. She situated the belongings in a way she felt was better suited in protecting and safeguarding her son, she stood up warily, just now understanding the strain her flash step has caused her body, and walked to the bathroom.

Once there, the woman sunk to the floor, her legs pulled tight to her chest while her chin rested on them. Now was the tough part. The horribly life altering decision. She shouldn't have held him and etched his tiny face into her memory, but she wouldn't be able to live with herself if he had fallen and hurt himself.. So Rangiku Matsumoto grappled with this decision along with another pertinent question she was sure to be asked upon returning.

She loved him, that much had been made certain, but she had trouble imagining raising him. She felt she wouldn't be a good enough mother for him and she knew she wanted to protect him but if he remained in Rukongai that would be difficult. Not only her helping which would be near impossible in a few years as he grew aware, but the probability of his survival in such a run down place. She felt and assumed he stood a greater chance of dealing with hunger and little food because of the strong riatsu he no doubt contained.

Such a hard choice, but Rangiku needed to make it now and certainly knew she wouldn't leave the room until her mind decided. Tears flowed from her eyes, but there was no noise, just a waterfall of emotion.

I-I

It was late into the night. Or was it early morning now? She didn't know nor did she care or stop to check. She required comfort and would find it in the only way she could. A woman sneaked into her longest friend's house and after treading quietly to not wake him up prematurely, she stood and watched him sleep. She hid her riatsu as much and as long as she could but knew it was only a matter of time before she slipped up or his senses peaked and he would wake up. They both had a knack for knowing when the other was nearby and if she didn't know to not entertain such foolish thoughts, she would blame it on the fact their hearts were so connected. For now, she observed his calmly breathing body and almost glowing light hair. Her friend, lover, and the father of her baby. The handsome fukutaicho who had put her through disappointment, such physical and emotional pain. And yet here she still loved him from the bottom of her heart.

The man in question began to stir, the sheets pooling around his waist when he sat up yawning. "Rangiku-chan?" he asked groggily, discerning her from her riatsu more than his ability to see in the darkness. She nodded her head slowly and moved towards him. He rubbed his eyes, glancing at the clock before his attention was drawn back to the woman who was now straddling him. He raised a curious eyebrow at her actions.

Her hands came to rest on either of his cheeks as she leaned forward kissing him passionately. Passion not so much in love but in pain and sadness and want. The want to forget, to be understood, to be forgiven for her sins, but more importantly to be loved by another. And this man would give her all she needed. By making love she would forget, by being with him, understanding without knowing was granted and being loved by him was a given, even to a stranger's eyes.

The man's hands rested on her hips as he allowed his beautiful lover to win the fight for dominance, only to be confused when she moaned in annoyance. She pulled away and stared into his odd-colored eyes. "Wha' iz it Rangiku-chan?"

The Shinigami shook her head not wanting to tell him even a little bit or admit aloud what had happened. It was too painful, so instead of talking to him, she pushed him back on to the bed, kissing the man fiercely. He had learned his lesson the first time so he easily conquered her in the battle of tongues and rolled her on to her back, straddling her now. Feverishly, having sensed her distress and needing no telling, the fukutaicho began stripping Rangiku of her hakama, noting that she seemed more endowed than the last time they made love. However, he made no comment. He merely left kisses on her neck and collarbone as he revealed the pasty soft flesh that was his friend and lover's.

When her top had been successfully discarded, her mouth parted in a whimper, making the Shinigami cease his actions, looking up at her with wide eyes. It was pained; the whimper was one of emotional pain. Had someone hurt or upset his Rangiku again? She was...the man blinked a few times trying to process what she was doing. She was crying...again. He hated it when she cried. That was why he became a Shinigami; to protect her and make sure she never cried again. And yet, here she was bawling her eyes out over something he didn't know about and had a horrible feeling couldn't help with. He had let her down, had not followed through with his promise.

Somewhere, at some point in mid-sob, her cracked, wary and sad voice came out, "He's dead." The man wasn't fool enough to ask who she was referring to in case it upset her more and he knew that she would tell him shortly, so he waited. She was silent now, trying to build up the courage to finish telling her lover, and to calm her crying long enough to be heard. He moved up and closer so as to kiss her forehead briefly before pulling her into a comforting hug. She spoke, "He's dead, Gin." Another painful silence.

"Our little Toushiro-kun's dead."


End file.
